Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
