just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
