If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
