He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
