There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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