there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
