you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I enjoy the company of your penis
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