So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
