ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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