Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
