just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
