While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
