I can text with my tongue
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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