I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
