You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
