If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize