...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
No more Irish car bombs ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
