Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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