So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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