it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
