No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
