If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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