Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
