I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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