If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize