This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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