wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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