Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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