she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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