We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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