dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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