FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
So. Much. Porn.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
