I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
