Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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