I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
