don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
