I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
