your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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