are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
