you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
