its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
