she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
