fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
