god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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