Operation Purity has been aborted
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize