All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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