I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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