She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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