well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
