I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is it because I queefed?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
