I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
