WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
