A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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