Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
