a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
