i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
