I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize