Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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