Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
